50 shades of Lauren

This week has been filled with a lot of absence; physical absence of people that I love and feel a strong connection to; as well as spiritual absence of myself. I am a very black and white person; I do not typically do well with gray. Gray is murky. Gray is uncertain. And lets face it, uncertainty is unconformable. Gray is also where transformation happens…

An interesting message came through as I sat in this gray zone. In this void, I was able to channel even more expansion that I thought would be possible for me (hint: it involves my veterinary skills…more to come!)

This week was also spent putting the final touches on Blue Fox Farm before the horses move in on June 28th. I felt called to do something for her (the farm). She has done so much for me in such a short time and I had this urge to give back to her in a meaningful way. Painting the inside of the barn and the tack room seemed like an obvious place to start.

In the past I would take the first opportunity to outsource or hire someone to do these hands-on tasks; not out of laziness per se, but rather a lack of self value for myself and preoccupations with superfluous things. “I don’t know how to paint! I don’t even know what items I’d need to buy to paint a barn? Is it really worth my time?”

Marc and I had a beautiful farm together named Lab Run Farm. This farm was built during covid as a source of sustainable food for our family. We had contractors and outdoor architects involved in every step of the process. I simply made design decisions, and the builders executed my every desire. We even had gardeners doing the harvesting and the bounty wound end up on our kitchen counter. I put forth ZERO physical effort into this property. Because Mother Earth is so forgiving, she certainly produced delicious food and did her job, however I did not receive any emotional or spiritual return. I made the land beautiful with my aesthetic and design choices, but I did nothing for this farm. I gave her nothing.

Blue Fox Farm is different. It has been beyond gratifying seeing her come out of her shell and blossoming into something so beautiful. They emotional benefit I received standing back and looking at the inside of that painted barn was overwhelming. The amount of love and the feeling of connection that I received from a channeled place was like a drug. My soul was finally happy, and I was finally in love. I was in love with my life. A life that is not always black or white, but filled with so many shades of gray.

This wasn’t an external love. It was an internal love for myself.

On this day of Marc’s passing, I want to thank him yet again for bestowing me with another gift.

Thank you Marc for leading me to this beautiful land and for guiding me to find a way to make her ours. In your physical absence I am committing to this heart led lifestyle.

I promise to love and to care for her like I did our three children and ensure that she is a beacon of love and strength for our entire farm community which I consider family.

So here's to embracing the gray, even when it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes the most beautiful things grow in the spaces between black and white.

I'll keep you posted on what's unfolding with my veterinary skills - there's something brewing that feels really right. And of course, I can't wait to share more about Blue Fox as she continues to transform.

Thank you for being here with me in this messy, beautiful journey back to myself.

With love from the farm,

Lauren Rae 💚

P.S. The horses move in today! I have a feeling everything is about to change again.